The Modern Indian Foodie!

The Modern Indian Foodie Has Become So Modern That The Complete Eating System Has Been Changed, taking a couple of decades! The modern system he introduced two score years ago has introduced a sea change that those who had any sort of eating habit before the present eating system got introduced will definitely find oneself utterly lost in the sea of change the Modern Indian Foodie introduced!

According to the Modern Day Indian Foodie & His Food Bible it is always ONLY something like how it’s served, who serves it, what type of attire the server has, what brand you had, was it from somewhere the TV or radio or newspaper advertisements continuously thunder about, was there soft music played by any western band, in the background, where did you have it-was it in the upscale/posh area, were there any bullshit celebrities around promoting what you ate, did you click some snaps with them while it was served, what brand you went into to have it, how was the interior, what is the reclining angle of the chairs there, on what wood the furniture is made of, what sort of chandeliers are used & how many, how good looking were the KINGS who served, did the hand driers spread eau de cologne in the air, how efficient & nice was the valet parking there, who all come/came with you there, what was the prize you pay/paid through your nose for it, how did the toilet look though you never use it there, what all unknown, unheard of things you had,how did the KING at the entrance salute you, how many times you have it from there, what was the angle of the server when he served it, how (dirty!?!) was the table cloth, did you go for Siberian starter, sub Saharan main, Norwegian dessert etc, kicking down & trampling on the worthless Indian ordinaries, have you taken the leftover for your dog in a parcel & did they charge you extra for that, were there any 3rd page buffoons in their buffoonery best, how many well to do were there while you had it, how much you dished out as tip etc etc that matter!

AND, THERE IS NEVER A how much you had, was it good or bad, was it to your liking or not, was it enough, was it tasty, what was it etc etc! When a couple of pieces of puppy shit are served under an international brand name, wrapped in gold & silver paper with the KING ‘deliciously’ serving them in a 180 degree angle, when dog meat is served ‘deliciously’ decorated as prime lamb in an international chain restaurant with the KING smiling ‘deliciously’ while serving in 90 degree angle, when the KING serves the rotten meat ‘deliciously’ fried in whatever oil available with a KING’s smile the Modern Indian Foodie is on cloud nine.....! Just be a part of an international brand....just be a part of a VERY MODERN INDIAN FOODIE GROUP....just be a part of the connoisseurs of food of each & every part of the world & be proud of it....just be a proud part of the most modern foodie group which eats worm to termite from Chine to Zambia.....just be a part of the much appreciated WORLD CULTURE OF BRANDED FOOD EATING, his mind mumbles! Shit with the Indian stuff, he screams aloud! It is pizza, burger, sandwiches, carbonated drinks & whatever shit in the name of a brand....3 cheers to them all... And hell with the Indian stuff.....!

As far as the Modern Indian Foodie (And According To His Modern Food Eating System, as well!), Hygiene is like pretending it fashionably! Taste is nothing but pretending it vociferously! The service is like pretending it as superficially as possible! Quality is another pretention in a million words- it is never ever found in the food served! Quantity is the pretentious minimum of the ordered thing that the Modern Foodie can discern whether it is what he/she ordered or not! And, to top it all the pricing is the magnanimous pretention of taking or lifting hard earned money as peanuts for the peanuts provided in the guise of serving jackfruits, apples, oranges, papayas & a million other things! Ofcourse, the 'somewhat' neatly folded tissue paper, tooth pick etc will be surely given as standard that one can stick the tooth pick into one's cavities in the mouth after having WHATEVER IS GIVEN IN THE NAME OF A BRAND OR SOMETHING & take back all the things eaten into the tissue paper provided!

THE HURT CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!

When I met them for the first time they were very hurt; they kept wailing aloud...They used a particular type of loud-crier –someone else termed it loud speakers!- which helped them achieve whatever they wanted....Whenever & wherever they got hurt they used this loud-crier at the top volumes & this smart and efficient use of the loud-crier fetched whatever they wished to have; and, they got hurt quite often! Years later when I met them again they were very hurt, again....!

They kept all their body sensors like ears, eyes, noses, hands etc. working 24 hours a day that they can get HURT! These people always kept E.N.T. specialists handy every second of their lives; even inside their private toilets they kept these E.N.T. specialists ready that they never ever miss an opportunity to get themselves hurt, due to any chance-problem that may impair their capacity to feel the CHANCY HURT COMING!

They recruited additional eyes, ears, noses, hands, skins in millions that they understand when, where & how to be hurt! They participated in the EXCLUSIVE TRAINING/COACHING CLASSES WHERE EXPERTS TAUGHT PEOPLE HOW TO GET HURT IN THE MOST EASIEST OF THE WAYS! Some people even spent millions for the sort of exclusive training, which only a couple of trainers conducted, all over the world, where they were very secretly & cunningly taught HOW TO GET HURT MOST PUBLICLY AND GRAB THE MAXIMUM ATTENTION EVEN WHEN/WHERE THERE IS NO HURT PRESENT & MAKE THE LOUDEST OF NOISES OUT OF IT! “FEIGNING THE HURT” was the name of the rarest of the rare course they attended, spending millions!

A famous female film star of Tamilnadu said something about sex, marriage & life a couple of years ago and she was dragged, step by step, even to the highest of the courts of India, the Supreme Court Of India, by some of these Excellently Trained Hurt-People, who GOT EASILY HURT by her statement! She spent a couple of years promenading the court-corridors, spending money, time & effort, till at last she was set free by the Supreme Court, WHICH STOPPED THE HIGHLY CAPABLE & SENSITIVE HURT-STALKERS, MIDWAY!

When the Computer Companies dump their third grade, fourth grade & fifth grade computers in the Indian market, charging hefty premiums, NOBODY ACCUSES THEM SEVERELY BY THEIR COMPANY NAMES OF CHEATING PEOPLE, as everyone is dead sure that THESE 7TH GRADE COMPUTER MAKER/SELLER CHEATS MUST HAVE HAD EXCLUSIVE TRAINING IN “GETTING HURT!” The great Food Inspectors in India painstakingly & putting their lives at stake seize rotten & non usable food items from famous food joints, restaurants, hotels etc NEVER TO PUBLISIZE THE NAMES OF THESE PUBLIC CHEATERS, THINKING ABOUT THE “HURT TRAINING” THESE CRIMINALS MIGHT HAVE UNDERGONE! Of all “THE HURT PEOPLE’ “THE MOST HURT” IS RELIGIOUS FANATICS, IT IS FOUND OUT BY A SCIENTIFIC STUDY! NO OTHER GROUP OF “HURT PEOPLE” CAN IN ANY WAY IMITATE THE HURT THESE POOR FANATIC PEOPLE FEEL!

It is very interesting to know that in India a bus conductor is hurt when he is called so; a goldsmith is hurt when he is called so; a stupid is hurt when called so; a murderer is hurt & his sentiments & prestige damaged when called so; a dog is hurt when called so; bribe collecting policemen are hurt when called so; if someone very correctly says a judgement is against all the sensibilities then the judge is hurt & action is taken against that man; when a terrorist is called so he is hurt badly; when Lord Sun is accused of the simmering summer he is hurt etc......Hence, from now on, we should not "call a spade a spade!” We can call a spade anything or everything but a spade in our HURT CULTURE! Call a spade a diamond, ace, king, queen or even a joker but never a spade, as it will surely hurt the sentiments of the spades world over & hurt them irreparably!

When asked what we can do ‘not to hurt these very sensitive people’ someone told that we should HELP THEM DO WHATEVER THEY DO, EVERLASTINGLY SUFFERING WHATEVER THEY DO WITH THEIR GOOD INTENTIONS THAT THEY MAY NOT GET THEMSELVES HURT AGAIN! IT IS EVEN STATED THAT THIS IS THE WORLD OF THE HURT PEOPLE, WHERE ALL THE OTHERS ARE REQUIRED TO SACRIFICE ALL THEIR EXISTENCE FOR “THESE POOR HURT PEOPLE!”

It is quite interesting & morale boosting to know that India holds the world record for providing living spaces for the most number of HURT PEOPLE, much more than any other country in the world can dream of! We should be very proud of our status in the world rankings! But, when I met these soft feeling, soft intended, soft hurt & soft soul people the very last time, THEY WERE VERY BADLY HURT!

The Terrible Hotels of Thrissur - The Cultural Capital of Kerala!

The over priced, poorly serviced, hygienically low grade hotels of this 'Cultural Capital'
dot every lane and by lane of the city. The so called 100% literate people of the city
and those who 'Accidently' are trapped by the 'Name' of the hotels, devotedly gobble
up whatever that is served (which if we get in our own sweet homes even won't find
a way into the dog's plate!) very much unhygienically and sometimes arrogantly, paying
through their noses!

Every state and their districts has their own delicacies and specialities as far as food is
concerned. Every one cautiously and patiently preserves the things they got from
the by gone years and try to better what they had. But here, in this Cultural Capital,
the very opposite is happening! People least care about 'the tastes of Culture' that they
are supposed to have and cherish! They simply spoil what they should have cherished!

In some of the 'Famous Hotels' of the city the curries including 'Saambar', 'Aviyal', 'Kaalan',
'Oolan' etc. are prepared in such a tasteless and nauseating way that we wonder whether
they are directly out of some Nazi Camps trying to kill people by serving the most awkward
and unpalatable items! These 'insufferable' items are served in these 'Famous' hotels day
after day, week after week and month after month that when the regular eaters have
'the Real Curries' they ask "What These Great Curries Are Called?!" and "How These
Superb Dishes Are Prepared?!" and "Where These Fantastic Curries Are From?!"

In a good number of the 'Famous Hotels' of the city we find 'Royal Blood of the Elizabethan Era'
serving 'Ordinary People', where the 'Poor Customer' has to win over the attention of the supplier or bearer, if one wishes to make even some unpalatable and tasteless things reach one's stomach! The Royal Supplier will roam around in a chariot and if one attracts his attention after waiting a couple of hours patiently, he will offer you something that he wishes to serve but not the thing you found 'Doing Your Research on the Menu'! He will serve you as despicably as you are a leper and threateningly stare at you and grin if you wait for a second to think about what else you want! But when you somehow gobble the copper, iron and steel with the ISI mark, the nature of the 'Royal Highness' suddenly changes and he takes the form of a 'Royal Dog' that he get 'His Tip' in billions! And if the 'Poor Leper' doesn't pay or pay in thousands, then some 'Delicate Words' will be audible from the heavens in the voice of the 'Royal Highness' which no other human ear can hear!

It is better 'Not' to talk of the hygienic factors in the hotels of 'The Cultural Capital'!
In a large number of hotels there is 'No Toilet Soap' to wash one's hands. In some hotels
they provide 'Dish Cleaning Powder' to wash one's hands with! And in almost all the hotels
where 'Luckily' we find toilet soap or washing powder, we see them 'Dangerously' placed
almost on the edge of the washing or better we call spitting sink that most of the spittle
the 'Mouth Washer of Hygiene' spits with all his or her might, standing erect, after
rinsing one's mouth with water after having food, gets sprayed on the soap or the powder!
And, at least a couple of times a day, the toilet soap finds a way to the bottom of the sink
by slipping away from the 'Hygienic Eater-Washer', which after a couple of minutes is
worshipfully taken out and placed on the same edge of the sink to be sprayed by the spittle again
and used by the next person to 'Hygienically wash his or her hands and faces!'

And when the bill comes one naturally doubts whether some 'extortionists' have changed their job and become hoteliers! They give less quantity and quality and charge exorbitant rates. They give chappattis, dosas, vadas, varieties of fried rice etc with a 'magnifying glass' that we understand they are enough and of the correct size and quantity! They boil rice, putting Arecanut & Sodium by Carbonate (NaHC03) in it that people eat less! They serve 'Prawn, Mushroom Fried Rice etc.' with prawn and mushroom rarely seen, and charge you a fortune! They serve you tasteless and nauseating food items, and charge you heavily! They serve out dated, rotten food items and charge 'an unsuspecting you' through your nose! The food inspectors 'Conduct Raids' and recover truck loads of rotten, old and degraded food items from the hotels, never to name the hotels and 'the same hotels continue the same old story!' Remember the welcome board to all these hotels reads 'Customer Is The King!' But the 'Poor Eaters' never think that 'The Raj' - where the kings ruled-is no more and kings are treated as beggars these days! And, beggars, as is heard, never had any right but to accept whatever that had been given!!!

Pls Note: Some of the above stated type of hotels function on Palace Road, near the Gold & Silk selling shops (where poor wedding parties are trapped!), behind or near Ragam Theatre (where poor people are trapped due to 'pseudo reputation'!), near the Railway Station (where poor travellers are trapped!), in the Swaraj Round/Circle (where poor people are trapped due to proximity!) etc.