I AM THE PRIMEMINISTER!

When a couple of days back a woman was arrested & paraded infront of media because she told everybody she was Sonia Gandhi, the Congress President, from 10th Janpath, I was shell shocked! But, people around me seemed to ignore the news as they were very familiar with large number of persons who call themselves the president of USA, The Prime Minister Of Paschimbenga, The Chief Minister of Stupidland, The Leader Of The Minorities, The Spokesperson Of The Downtrodden, The Lord Of Monte Cristo, The Bard On Avon, The Nightingale, The Himalayas, The Tiger, The Lion, The DGP of a Local Police Station, The CBI Officer From Crime Branch & a million other wonderful manifestations..!

But, I was not familiar with these impersonations which my friends & neighbours already knew. And, I learned that the persons who claimed to be The Himalayas, The Everest, The Tiger, Lion, Nightingale & many others were never arrested due to 2 reasons like nobody complaining against such claims & anyone could see & understand that they were not what they claimed to be! Hence, I asked myself why the woman who called herself Sonia Gandhi be arrested and paraded infront of the media, as it was well evident that she was not what she claimed to be!!

Media wrote volumes after volumes how she claimed to be the Congress president etc! They, with the help of the ever vigilant & efficient police authorities presented the people, via media, with the photos of her ration card, voter's card, election ID, passport, United Nation Membership card, North Pole Pygmy association card & the Unique Identity Number for the people who are dead a century ago in the Congress president’s name with her photo on all these identity proofs!

The police & the media celebrated the subtle move they employed in catching such a mammoth chameleon, which was illiterate & living in some place which never ever found itself in the map of India! Media reported that it was through an extremely covert operation code named Operation Catch Nobody they were able to TRAP this International Nobody, from a no named by lane! Anyway, since the killing of Bindrenwalleh in the Operation Bluestar in the early eighties, this was the mammoth catch for any of the Indian Security Personnel!

It was circulated via media that she was dangerously carrying a few hundred Indian currency notes which summed up well below a thousand rupees & a number of her identity proofs on her body; and, leaving her tattered dress and a couple of rubber bands used to tie her no oiled hair all the other things were audaciously seized by the police personnel & displayed to the ever curious media! I didn’t understand what else they had been expecting from an illiterate ‘NOBODY WOMAN’; had they been expecting a couple of Neutron Bombs & a handful of Neutrinos from her mostly torn purse?! "Ofcourse, it is a major breakthrough!" claimed the highest ranking officer in the lot to the media and gave away the gallantry awards to each & every police officer who was a part of this great concerted effort!

When the Mammoth Chameleon tried to say something in her self defence nobody gave her a hearing as what she had done was so treacherous that it had no parallels in the Mammoth Chameleon History! Though nobody cared a rap for her utterances it was heard she screaming at the top of her voice that it was not at all difficult to get any identity in India provided one meets the right person in the right place, with the right amount of money and if one had nothing in one's life one would definitely go forward to prove oneself as somebody else who was worth recognition! She was also caught in the camera screaming that if the so called I.D providing authorities were ready to give away any number of identity cards to anyone who needed it what was the problem with one getting an ID card or two or three as it was the duty of the I.D issuing officers to verify the identity of the person who was issued the ID Proof etc! She also was seen screaming that it was her money from the indirect taxes she paid the salaries of these I.D issuing officers were paid etc!

“How dare she accused the officers in the various ID issuing department?!” the police & media wondered! They said it was the duty of the ID Issuing departments to issue IDs and they should not be questioned for issuing IDs 'to whomsoever it may concern'! “One should not accuse somebody who did his or her duty!” commented an efficient police officer who appeared in a cameo role in Operation Catch Nobody! In a desperate attempt to prove her point well beyond any doubt the Mammoth Chameleon asked who didn’t know the axiom that in India it is only when one projects oneself as somebody else who matters the things work out here in a favourable way?!

She continued saying to the wind that it was because of this deep rooted axiom in the Indian psyche that people here say sometimes that they are terrorists & get whatever they want in their favour; they call themselves poor & get whatever they wish for themselves; they call themselves a minority & run away with all the benefits; they call themselves underprivileged & get all the reservation in their favour; they call themselves oppressed & suppressed & get away with all the advantages for the oppressed & suppressed; they call themselves LAWyers & escape from the ever tightening noose of the police personnel, who always devise new devices to catch the common man always on the wrong side of the so called LAW etc!

And, for all these above mentioned False ID claimers & more it is these same ID Issuing Departments & Personnel who have been giving their IDs in millions, all these 64 years after our so called independence in 1947! She argued vehemently that if all the others who belong to the same category of the so called False ID Possessors had a whale of a time why only she was singled out to be paraded infront of media & persecuted?! She also wanted to know why, in the first place, nobody went & arrested those who used ‘false’ impersonation to trick people in the guise of mimicry artists, film stars (The likes of Ben Kingsley who ‘falsely’ impersonated M.K Gandhi, Roshen Seth who again ‘wrongly’ impersonated Jawaharlal Nehru), film doubles etc!

She was also heard airing a strong & logical vocal petition to the Indian Parliament & Parliamentarians and ofcourse the new fad Anna Hazare clan that in the law there should be a well devised provision for the real poor like her to get any number of the so called false IDs that they can at the least survive in an extremely unequal society using these so called false IDs! She also asked where & when even those persons who claim themselves GODS were never ever questioned, let alone arrested, how could she be hunted down in such a massive operation like the Operation Catch Nobody?!

Burning HP, Motorola etc!

I bought a laptop from HP (Hewlett Packard) a couple of years back, paying the full amount, never bargaining for the price tag! I got a free carry bag with the lap top! I wondered why ever the company should give a free carry bag when every one looks to squeeze the life out of the buyer! I simply didn’t understand!

The person who handed over the lap top & the bag smiled after checking the amount I paid, a couple of times....I considered it good customer care etc etc I read in many ‘HOW TO’ books, which I gathered cheaply from the footpath! I loved to think that the same books I took from the footpath must have been read by the sales persons & the person who sat stoically at the cash counter as well, as their behaviour was the same what I read in those ‘HOW TO’ books on marketing, customer care, selling, handling the curious customer etc! I smirked at the thought that they too must have gone for those pirated copies of all those ‘HOW TO’ books which come cheap as they are GENUINLY COPIED from the GENUENLY ORIGINAL! It was a feeling of brotherhood or better I should call it the Brotherhood of Pirates!

Smilingly when I left the H.P store seldom did I knew that why they smiled was totally for some other reason than what I thought of, like the sales & marketing etiquette of the sublime nature etc....But, for that to dawn on me it took a couple more days of my life! But, when I understood the reason of their smile & the free gift of carry bag it was already very much late.......!

A couple of days after I successfully purchased the laptop something stopped working; I don’t remember what it was! I carried it to the shop I bought it from! All the people in the shop were busy selling the HP laptops to the buyers & giving them free carry bags! I waited till I grabbed the attention of an attention grabber who told me to wait for some more time that they could come to me after selling the laptops with the free carry bag & attend to my problem. I waited and after around one hour or so someone came to me, who looked like a person who failed miserably in selling any of the laptops with the free carry bag that particular day!

I told the problem to him & he all of a sudden told me that it SHOULD BE taken to the NEAREST ORIGINAL HP SERVICE STATION which is 10 kilometres away from me, as all the problems would be solved by the experts there! And, if I dared to take the risk, he continued, he could try his hands at problem solving; I readily agreed as taking the thing again to the ORIGINAL HP SERVICE CENTRE would take another couple of hours away from my life. He, as a master magician, kept opening some windows & closing some, intermittently, as I kept my vigil over...he seemed to work as one possessed.....And, at last he set the things right by clicking the ‘going back to the default settings'! Though all the software I loaded after purchasing the laptop went for a toss I got the problem for which I went there solved! I put the laptop back into FREE CARRY BAG & giving him truck loads of 'THANKS' left to reload all the software I had loaded before the expert hit the 'Back to Default Settings' button!

I didn’t have time to go to the ORIGINAL SERVICE STATION OF HP in the 1 year guarantee period, despite small problems related to my laptop continuously creeping up on my nerves! I just tried to wish the problems away & kept on with whatever I had to do, though I suffered mentally thanks to the performance of my newly acquired HP laptop! Before crossing the one year guarantee period, all of a sudden, my DVD drive stopped working & as I didn’t have time to focus on this problem I kept it disturb me continuously! Whenever I wanted to watch a movie or so I would switch on my other HP Laptop which I rarely used as it was a just15.4" against our Lead Role 17", of which I have been writing over! I kept the problem persist for another 1 year or more & when I felt free to take it in the FREE CARRY BAG, I took it to the ORIGINAL SERVICE STATION OF HP!

When I entered the service station, the guard at the entrance asked me a hell lot of questions that I thought I would have cleared the IAS examination if I would have known answers to all the queries he readily dished forth! He asked questions to me like he was questioning a criminal who had just murdered the CEO of HP! When I entered, after the quizzing, I was asked to collect a coupon & wait there till I was called. I obliged as there were no other option as I saw a very large number of people who waited there patiently, with their empty FREE CARRY BAGS in their laps!

When my turn came, I went to a counter where I was told by an Original HP Service Personnel that I had to give him 250/- for just checking the problem & to verify whether what I told them as problem was a problem at all! I obliged the Original HP Service Personnel & then he took my 17" laptop inside; I waited for the result! After 20+ minutes the Original HP Service Personnel, who took the laptop inside after collecting a Verification Charge of 250/-, came to the counter & beckoned me there to inform me the GREAT FINDING that as I told him it was a problem with the DVD drive & I had to fix the problem ONLY by changing the mother board as the DVD drive was integrally fused with the mother board & the Original HP Service Personnel couldn’t repair it separately and the bill would be somewhere around 25000/-! I thought what they charged for repair was something like 100 times the checking fee! I took the lap top back from the Original HP Service Personnel & walked away to something/somewhere more sensible things happen!

I consulted a Non Original HP Service Personnel & he told me that I could buy a USB DVD drive for around 4000/- & watch whatever movie I wished to watch on my 17"! The next moment I bought one Samsung USB DVD drive & went home, with a sweet feeling of saving a minimum of 21000/- from an Original HP Service Alligator!

But my happiness didn’t last long; my 17" hard drive crashed shortly after & I was in the danger of losing whatever data I had in the laptop; I reached the Original HP Service Station & I was told that they didn’t take THESE KINDS OF WORK and asked me to contact a particular Non Original HP Service Personnel who’s visiting card the Original HP Service Personnel provided me; obviously the Original HP Service Personnel had commission from the Non Original HP Service Personnel if ever I reached there & got fleeced!

I didn’t go to the Originally HP Recommended Place & got it done for 2000/- as I was sure I would have been forced to part with my entire savings for that work to be done in the secret place of the Non Original HP Service Personnel, recommended by the Original HP Service Personnel! Within months, HP 17" struck again! This time the screen went blank! As usual, I went to the Original HP Service Centre where I had been told that it would lighten my purse by around 20000/-! I went to my Non Original HP Service Personnel & got the screen changed for 5000/-, saving 15000/- in the process! Misery hit me again within months in the shape of battery failure; the battery failed to get charged. This time I didn’t go to the Original HP Service Personnel; I took it direct to a Non Original HP Service Personnel who gave me a NON Original HP battery for 2500/- which would have cost me my fixed deposit if I would have gone to the Original HP Service Centre! Now what ORIGINALS I have on my Original HP 17" Laptop are the shell of the laptop & motherboard, nothing else! The DVD player, Screen, Battery, Hard Drive & all are Non Original HP Products & they are working fine for the last more than 1 year!

Now, what I am concerned is about the motherboard which is the ONLY ORIGINAL WORKING THING on the OTHERWISE GREATLY PERFORMING NON ORIGINAL 17" HP Laptop! And, I regularly have nightmares on meeting one of my close friends who bought the same HP 17” on My Very Serious Recommendation! Till date he has changed his battery, screen (Twice!), DVD Drive etc & now is involved in a last ditch battle to save the chipset & motherboard! Now I perfectly understand why those people years back gave the carry bag free & why the sales persons smiled when I bought it 3 or 4 years back, as they then & there knew the people like me who bought these sorts of laptops would be running around carrying their laptops regularly to the Original HP Service Centres - SHOULD SAY 'ORIGINAL (OR HP CERTIFIED )FLEECING CENTRES'!- for this problem or that till they burn their laptops in public & live reclusive lives in the far away islands where they will never see even the sign of HP, again!

Special Note!

It is STRONGLY suggested that BURNING THE PRODUCT IN A PUBLIC PLACE is the one & only choice for all the customers of international brands in India! What the customers here in India always get is Ill Treatment, Misbehaviour, Arrogance, Qualityless & Stupid Analysis of the Problems the Customer Is Facing with the Product Bought, Reckless & Inefficient Repair, Extremely Greedy Customer Care & Service Centres etc!

I gave my Motorola Razor i3 to Fine Fone Solutions, #397/86, 2nd Floor, 11th Main, Jayanagar 3rd Block, Bangalore 11 (Ph:- 080 - 26634554, 26634555, 26634556, 26536477, 26536488) on 13-12-11, travelling almost 25 kilometres! I told the service centre people that the mobile was not getting charged & when connected to a charging slot it keeps blinking. When I reached there, there were only 3 customers & all the people who were with the centre were roaming there as free as birds in the sky, as they were only shifted from Infantry Road not much before!

I asked them to check the mobile then & there itself that I could have collected the info on the problem there itself that I could decide on the next step! The person who collected the phone from me, who was just seen whiling away time there, told me that as a lot of work was pending they would only be able to check it the next day & they would call me the next day to inform me about the solution & then according to my opinion move forward, in the matter of repairing the mobile.

As, I didn’t get any call from the centre till 5 ‘O’ clock next evening I called them & they told me that they were still in the process of checking it & they would give me a call as soon as they finished checking! But that call didn’t come.....I have been waiting till date for them to call me, today being 25-01-12! And, now I am seriously thinking about BURNING MY MOTOROLA, after taking back the mobile from the stupid fellows @ the fleecing centre, as well with the HP Laptop @ a public place that people come to know what is actually happening to “The Customer King”!

When Einstein Missed The Greatest Discovery Of His Life!

“Sarwam Maya Jagath Mithya!” the Bharatiya have been repeating this phrase since time immemorial! Likewise, all these millennia, they also kept chanting in their souls & minds the Bharatiya words Athman, Athma, Bhoda/Bodha, Avabodha, Njnana, Brahma, Brahmanda Prapanch/Prapancha, Maya, Sasthra, Anu, Paramanu, Asthitva etc!

Nobody outside Bharath -or India as it is called in these days of degradation & disintegration!- came near the ideas transferred by the words Bhoda/Bodha, Avabodha etc till a German physician Sigmund Freud (The so called father of Psychology!) & his disciple Karl Yung (The so called father of Psycho Analysis!) proposed something sea changing –ONLY TO THE WORLD OUSIDE BHARATHA!- in their GREAT DISCOVERIES of Psychology & Psychology itself! The same thing happened with the phrase mentioned in the first line of this article as well; till another German Albert Einstein declared “Everything Is Relative!” the world outside Bharath/Bharatha never knew it! It can be A SO CALLED SCIENTIFIC COINCIDENCE THAT IT WAS TWO GERMANS WHO ‘DISCOVERED/INVENTED’ 2 SO CALLED SEA CHANGING IDEAS & both were familiar with The Indian Science (in the case of Einstein!) & Culture (In the case of Freud!)!

When ‘the So Called’ Arab Numerals & Mathematics revealed themselves in the world –And, ofcourse in the world outside Bharath!- the world was so spell bound by the Arab greatness that it saluted, named & trumpeted the Arabian Magic, without ever knowing that it was shameless copying of the copy cat Arabs they are writing eulogies of! The same was the case with Chess, Ayurveda, Astronomy, Meditation, Stories like Panchatantra, Hitopadesa etc, Existentialism and another million Bharatiya things which got shamelessly & secretly copied from Bharath & got displayed & promoted in the name of those who ‘SIMPLY COPIED & MARKETED THEM AS THE IMMORTAL FINDINGS OF THEIR SUBLIME INTELLECT! The never complaining true Bharatiya or the Indian, as he is called now a day, moved on “DOING HIS KARMA WITHOUT EVER THINKING ABOUT THE RESULT!” – THE IMMORTAL WAY OF NISH KAMA KARMA!

Germans in the 18th & 19th centuries had a lot of Bharatiya books & knowledge translated into German, basically from a tiny state of the present day India, Kerala! With the invention of Printing Press by ‘ANOTHER GERMAN’ WHO WORKED, STUDIED & COPIED WHATEVER THAT WAS BHARATIYA, LIVING ING IN KERALA, HERMAN GUNDERT, most of the books & knowledge he considered important he copied into German, as he was awe struck with the type & depth of the knowledge Bharatiya possessed all these millennia! He spent a very useful & large part of his life in Kerala when he understood that even spending his entire life in Bharatha would not be enough to gather even a10% knowledge of whatever there is in Bharatha! Hence, by the end of the 19th century ‘the who is who’ of the German intellects had an extremely fair idea what Bharath held in her history & culture alive! Hence, when Sigmund Freud went ahead with his Psychology & Yung moved on with his Psycho Analysis the Pure Bharatiya Ideas like Bhoda/Bodha, Avabodha etc were richly there in the German & European air and the Conscious, Subconscious & The Unconscious were nicely copied out of the Bharatiya ideas Bhoda/Bodha, Avabodha etc!

The idea of university originated in Bharath thousands of years back in the forms of Taxasila/Taxila, Nalanda, Vikramsila etc that thousands of people from all over the world swarmed to Bharath in those days to LEARN FROM WHAT CAN BE TERMED AS THE ONLY LEARNING PLACES FOR THE UNWORLDLY KNOWLEDGE! And, they spread whatever they learned from Bharath & Bharatiya Universities in their parts of the world as ‘their invaluable contributions to their cultures!’ It was at the fag end of all these thousands of years when Knowledge Flowed From Bharath the Father of Modern Physics (It is very interesting to know that most of the FATHERS of most of the things in the present day world are from WEST –And, ofcourse, mothers are seldom found in the so called sexually egalitarian WEST! - & EAST doesn’t have MANY FATHERS into its credit!) Albert Einstein was grandly invited by an extremely imaginative, pragmatic & efficient Diwan of the princely state of Travancore Sir C.P Ramaswamy Iyer for Travancore University, a small fledgling university of Kerala as its first Vice Chancellor, in 1937-38!

When Einstein was offered a princely sum of 6000/- per month by the princely state of Travancore he was still in the Germany of Adolf Hitler; he was looking for an escape route at that time as the position of the Jews in Germany had become somewhat untenable by that time under the Nazi rule! But, as the invitation came from Sir C.P, Einstein didn’t think the position as something that will fetch him what he wished to have at that time – safety for his person & a platform for his further research in the fields of Physics & Mathematics! He should have thought Princeton University a far better choice as he felt he would be safe in an American university than in an Indian one, as India was under the colonial rule of an enfeebled Briton which lost its world superiority after the First World War! He would, ofcourse, have thought that better opportunities for his research could be provided by Princeton!

But, what he never thought or failed to bring from the subconscious or unconscious to conscious was that what he proposed & got the praise from generations, the Theory Of Relativity, was just a line out of the Great Bank Of Bharatiya Wisdom and the invitation from a Bharatiya University was his one & only chance to KNOW Bharath/Bharatha from where the world has been gathering flowing wisdom all over the millennia and he himself owed his Theory Of Relativity to Bharath/Bharatha! He never achieved anything great other than whatever he already had in Hitler Germany in Princeton is history now; but what he & the world never succeeded to understand ever is that when he politely put aside the offer from the Travancore University of Bharatha/Bharat way back in time WHAT ‘HE MISSED FOREVER’ WAS THE GREATEST DISCOVERY OF HIS LIFE – THE DISCOVERY OF BHARATH/BHARATHA!

Mullapperiyar, Fat Lady & The Blind Man!

The senseless act of the then Kerala Chief Minister C Achutha Menon in 1970, opened the Pandora’s Box for the Keralites and even after 40 years nobody is able to shut it & contain the fallouts of the signing of the agreement between the Kerala & Tamilnadu Governments, in the matter of Mullapperiyar Dam!

The spineless governments of Kerala, from 1970s till date, have been sitting on the Mullapperiyar Time Bomb, with all the sort of carelessness & lethargy! They have been conducting symposiums, study classes, group discussions etc etc on the impact of an eventful dam bursting! They have been discussing Mullapperiyar issue for the last more than 40 years and it is a benefit for the posterity that after the eventual dam bursting they –all those who might have escaped the fury of all engulfing waters of a BROKEN Mullapperiyar Dam!!!- can read, at leisure, what all things the successive governments discussed on Mullapperiyar all the 4 decades before the dam eventually burst!

The Achutha Menon Government has been playing a Lord Siva granting the wish of the BHASMASURA in the Mullapperiyar issue! It allowed the TAMILNADU BHASMASURA to do whatever it wishes to do with the Mullapperiyar Dam, which is a 100% Kerala Property & granted a prime 45 acres of land free in Kumily, Kerala to do whatever SUBVERTIVE ACTIVITIES Tamilnadu wants to carry out inside the Kerala territory! Subverting unaccounted waters of Kerala through various illegally & at the same time tacitly approved –by the vested interests in Kerala!- under ground & over ground canals from various dams of Kerala including Mullapperiyar, Parambikkulam, Aliyar, Walayar, Munnar, Sholayar, Shiruvani etc is an open secret for all these decades!

Tamilnadu has been famous for its dark glass politics & politicians who seldom saw the real problems as they were or are, as they looked like blind men in dark alleys! They always played the politics of the masses or in other words they always played to the galleries! They always tied their people to the mast of populist measures & ensured the loyal & unstinted life long support! Some of them let the 172000 crore 2G scam happen while they doled out rice & T.V & what not FOR THE POOR IN TAMILNADU using the taxpayers’ money, in the guise that they were giving away all these things out of their deep pockets! Because of the selfless service rendered to the people of Tamilnadu the present chief minister is undergoing a trial in cases registered against her for amassing disproportionate wealth & body mass!

Then, there are the SELF NAMED ‘ORIGINAL TAMIL LEADERS’ who always block the Kerala- Tamilnadu border like it is their birth right like the BLOCKING TACTICIAN VAIKKO who block the Kerala-Tamilnadu boarder now & then to showcase his blocking ability & prove a couple of universal points like ‘Senselessness is our might!’, ‘Arm twisting is the best policy!’, ‘Use heavenly might against those who ask for justice!’, ‘Rhetoric is the best thing to instigate people!’, ‘Using the name of the motherland –in his case Tamilnadu!- is the best weapon to inflame one’s –every Tamilan’s here!- emotions!’ etc! And the successive governments in Tamilnadu successfully failed to prevent these ‘ORIGINAL TAMIL LEADERS’ from doing whatever senseless things they wish to do & did! Hence, they kept on doing the same things which they have been doing all these years to get attention – destruction of whatever things which are NOT THEIR OWN!

The chief minister of Tamilnadu, after coming back from the trial in cases registered against her for amassing disproportionate wealth, all of a sudden came to know that when an English film Dam 999 comes it will create false ideas in the minds of 100% English language literate Tamil people, and hence banning the film is the right choice baby! But before that (banning!) some of the so called FALSE IDEA HATING PEOPLE in the leadership of Vaikko & co had to smash some glass doors, never complaining plant pots, false idea consumed plants & other things in Chennai just before the screening of Dam 999 and with EXTREMELY GOOD INTENTIONS DESTROY SOMETHING which never belonged to HIM & HIS FALSE IDEA PREVENTING GOONS, in full public glare, to show the MIGHT of the FALSE IDEA PREVENTERS! After all a chief minister of Tamilnadu should not allow the 100% English literate people of Tamilnadu to be misinformed by an English movie! It looks pretty likely that the present chief minister of Tamilnadu & the one who ruled Tamilnadu just before her, with their foolish stubbornness & populist rhetoric on the Mullapperiyar Dam, will become the FAT MAN & SHORT MAN which obliterated thousands of people in Hiroshima & Nagasaki!

It is well suggested that the international law which is applied in ‘Crimes Against Humanity’ should be invoked in the Mullapperiyar Dam issue & the governments of Kerala & Tamilnadu, including the chief ministers –from past to present!- SHOULD BE held responsible for the tragedy, if at all it occurs! All those persons responsible for it –from past to present & from Tamilnadu & Kerala- Should Be Tried For The Crime Against Humanity & Shot Dead Or Hanged To Death as is done in the cases of Nazi officers who ran the concentration camps etc, killing millions! IF THIS IS DECLARED NOW, then immediately, the stupid leaders of the 2 States, who have been struggling day & night to find out an amicable solution in the Mullapperiyar Dam Issue, for the last couple of decades, will sort out the problem in seconds & whatever is needed will be done, saving at the least 3 million people of 5 districts of Kerala!

RELATED TOPIC HERE!

The Modern Indian Foodie!

The Modern Indian Foodie Has Become So Modern That The Complete Eating System Has Been Changed, taking a couple of decades! The modern system he introduced two score years ago has introduced a sea change that those who had any sort of eating habit before the present eating system got introduced will definitely find oneself utterly lost in the sea of change the Modern Indian Foodie introduced!

According to the Modern Day Indian Foodie & His Food Bible it is always ONLY something like how it’s served, who serves it, what type of attire the server has, what brand you had, was it from somewhere the TV or radio or newspaper advertisements continuously thunder about, was there soft music played by any western band, in the background, where did you have it-was it in the upscale/posh area, were there any bullshit celebrities around promoting what you ate, did you click some snaps with them while it was served, what brand you went into to have it, how was the interior, what is the reclining angle of the chairs there, on what wood the furniture is made of, what sort of chandeliers are used & how many, how good looking were the KINGS who served, did the hand driers spread eau de cologne in the air, how efficient & nice was the valet parking there, who all come/came with you there, what was the prize you pay/paid through your nose for it, how did the toilet look though you never use it there, what all unknown, unheard of things you had,how did the KING at the entrance salute you, how many times you have it from there, what was the angle of the server when he served it, how (dirty!?!) was the table cloth, did you go for Siberian starter, sub Saharan main, Norwegian dessert etc, kicking down & trampling on the worthless Indian ordinaries, have you taken the leftover for your dog in a parcel & did they charge you extra for that, were there any 3rd page buffoons in their buffoonery best, how many well to do were there while you had it, how much you dished out as tip etc etc that matter!

AND, THERE IS NEVER A how much you had, was it good or bad, was it to your liking or not, was it enough, was it tasty, what was it etc etc! When a couple of pieces of puppy shit are served under an international brand name, wrapped in gold & silver paper with the KING ‘deliciously’ serving them in a 180 degree angle, when dog meat is served ‘deliciously’ decorated as prime lamb in an international chain restaurant with the KING smiling ‘deliciously’ while serving in 90 degree angle, when the KING serves the rotten meat ‘deliciously’ fried in whatever oil available with a KING’s smile the Modern Indian Foodie is on cloud nine.....! Just be a part of an international brand....just be a part of a VERY MODERN INDIAN FOODIE GROUP....just be a part of the connoisseurs of food of each & every part of the world & be proud of it....just be a proud part of the most modern foodie group which eats worm to termite from Chine to Zambia.....just be a part of the much appreciated WORLD CULTURE OF BRANDED FOOD EATING, his mind mumbles! Shit with the Indian stuff, he screams aloud! It is pizza, burger, sandwiches, carbonated drinks & whatever shit in the name of a brand....3 cheers to them all... And hell with the Indian stuff.....!

As far as the Modern Indian Foodie (And According To His Modern Food Eating System, as well!), Hygiene is like pretending it fashionably! Taste is nothing but pretending it vociferously! The service is like pretending it as superficially as possible! Quality is another pretention in a million words- it is never ever found in the food served! Quantity is the pretentious minimum of the ordered thing that the Modern Foodie can discern whether it is what he/she ordered or not! And, to top it all the pricing is the magnanimous pretention of taking or lifting hard earned money as peanuts for the peanuts provided in the guise of serving jackfruits, apples, oranges, papayas & a million other things! Ofcourse, the 'somewhat' neatly folded tissue paper, tooth pick etc will be surely given as standard that one can stick the tooth pick into one's cavities in the mouth after having WHATEVER IS GIVEN IN THE NAME OF A BRAND OR SOMETHING & take back all the things eaten into the tissue paper provided!

The Giants Who Never Grew Up!

Much before I went to his house I heard the miracles done by his child; his style of expression, I was told a million times with delight, put the Tamil superstar Rajanikanth to shame; his style of walking was described as something masterly than that of Amitab Bachan; his way of laughing was, as I was told, far superior in attracting people to him, that too much more than the ultimate Rajesh Khanna in his prime; his voice was something like a heavenly mix of Kishore Kumar & K.J Yesudas; his brilliancies far surpassed those of Albert Einstein; after all we should not blame the child for all these as he was sitting on the throne of Almighty, with the 24/7 support & promotion of his parents!

When I reached there I was more than eager to see this Wonder Boy whom I had continuously been told about. Then, there he was....the wonder boy of almost 4 who hadn't been anything lesser than Michael Schumacher, Viswanathan Anand, Tiger Woods, Bruce Willies, Thomas Alva Edison, Rod Laver & Mike Tyson fused together! He came to his father running and embraced him; the father, in his turn, took him in his arms & gave a kiss. I was eagerly waiting for some miracles from the boy's side.....! Then, the father put the son down & he went running inside to my utter despair as I saw my chance of witnessing a miracle running inside the house!

His father continuously told, as he had been telling me all these days, the great exploits of his Almighty Son as we sat inside the visitors' room, looking at the garden outside. Yesterday, when he was playing, he made a DRAGONFLY lift a stone deftly, he told as if Dragonfly was the elder brother of the MIGHTY DRAGON itself! A couple of days back he stood first in the class competition for the UKG kids in drawing, he told as if the Almighty Son had won the competition beating such archrivals as Pablo Picasso, Raja Ravi Varma, Winston Van gouge, Leonardo Da Vinci & Michael Angelo in a fierce, nerve rattling competition! His wife came there with coffee & snacks to remind him what the Almighty Son did to the 3 year old, a couple of weeks back, who STOLE his eraser while he was coming jam-packed in the over crowded auto rickshaw, from his pre primary school! "He kicked him on the face that he wouldn't even dare to look at the erasers in his whole life!” she cuckooed as if her Almighty Son had boxed down the mighty Joe Frazer in the ring at the finals of the WBF heavy weight bout for the Unified World Boxing Championship!

"He understands everything in a flash that his All Knowing Teachers are dazzled with his Marvellous Performance!", she continued to marvel at the Universal Thing which ‘The Mighty She’ contributed to this world out of her merciful mind! What might it would have been if this Almighty Son was not there in this silly dwarf world?! 'Ofcourse, it would have been a much lesser place to live in without the Almighty Son', her every word & action trumpeted this line! I remembered, sitting there sipping coffee, another mother who boasted of the Extraordinary Learning & Understanding Capacity -Of All the intricacies of the world with just a look, of course!- of her son when he was barely 6 months old! Though he didn't speak at that time he knew & understood EVERYTHING, she used to tell! From listening to her continuously all the people in her area used to come to her BABY to seek the Universal Wisdom the baby possessed from the BABY's non-speaking mouth! Without uttering a single word the BABY became very famous for its wisdom in a 10sq kilometre area, at the least! I wondered, what all marvellous things & hidden Universal secrets must had been known to the BIG-eyed green pupa of the butterfly -which moved its BIG eyes whenever I moved even a little bit, standing infront of it!- which I saw on the plant I grew in my terrace garden, the other day!

All over the world, I suppose, these kids have been having wonderful & miraculous capacities, capabilities & abilities that all the persons around them, including their Ever Wondering Parents ofcourse, have been running unstoppable yarn-mills, all these decades, about the extraordinary & superhuman adventures of their tiny tots! And, people all these decades keep listening to them & they never stopped wondering & marvelling! I have seen parents & grand parents promenading carrying the 1 year old, 2 year old & 3 year old living wonders in their hands & showcasing their sons' or daughters' extraordinary divine signs and drawing truck loads of appreciation from the ordinary mortals around their Devine Baby Zones! But what I find with great disappointment & despair is that these GIANTS, who have all the knowledge of the world without even opening up their mouth & perform such extra ordinary, super human things like whistling like a bird, jumping like a frog, imitating the parents & teachers -forget the imitating never reached anywhere near the original!- climbing like a monkey, running like a kid, singing like a nursery kid, learning like a parrot etc etc never grew up & all end up as old Dick, Harry, Ram, Priya, Soumya and Just the Others as the parents and grand parents & great grand parents are/were - just one/another mortal in billions!

The Billion Instant Parliaments Of India!

Law Mouther = A Person Who Mouths Something To Create A Law!
Loanee = A Person Who Has Taken Loan!

Nobody knows about the thousands & thousands of instant parliaments (And ofcourse, millions of Parliamentarians!) in India who pass thousands of laws every moment & create another thousand the very next and so on....these laws are the laws of the land...every square inch of land....every square centimetre of our land - India!

These laws of Law Mouthers are born the very moment somebody of some authority- including the chaparasi even!- opens his or her mouth in front of a person who wishes to do something, wants something from these so called authorities, seek permission for anything etc or else simply move on in life! These laws are the laws born the same moment any of the above mentioned things happen! These are the Real Laws which run our country and not, as one supposes, the laws passed by our Indian Parliament! These are the laws which get executed faster than the photons or in the common man's language light! The very moment the law is uttered it is almost at the same time executed or at the least at the same moment started to be executed by the person who listen to the Law-Mouther!

The Law Mouther is a legend that whatever comes from his or her mouth is law which should be executed without question! He or she can be a rag-picker, an electricity board employee, a post man, a call centre employee of a mobile phone operator, a cleaner, a school teacher, a house wife, a person who deals in used magazines & news paper, the man who prepares Masala Dosai, the person who brings gas, the conductor in the road transport corporation, the person who repairs one's computer and millions of others...... it can be anybody & everybody...it can be here, there & everywhere....it can be any time of the day & night....we see these One Second Parliament-in-Existence or Law Mouther every second of our life! We have to be very happy living among millions of parliaments in a land of millions of instant parliamentarians, Law-Mouthers, instant judges & judgements, law executioners etc.....our land India!

The law of Law-Mouthers are faster than lightening...its something like now its here...now its not....its something like an Ariel which cannot ever be caught or scientifically, with all the sorts of scientific proof, proven! The law of the Law Mouther says that if you park a bike horizontally in a parking area, where parking is free, with another number of bikes parked in the same way, it can be whisked away by the hooligan towers of the police department & charge you with whatever amount they wish to charge without giving you a receipt; it says that if you are found speeding -the measurement being the very naked eye of a police constable!- you can be charged according to the financial condition -read whether the star crossed policeman has two wives & six kids, an instalment to pay for the luxury car he has bought, the number of bottles he empties in the evening at a high end bar near by, the amount he has to get for the admission of his sixth son etc etc- of the policeman or men in the situation!

It says that your this proposal or that proposal will be outrightly rejected unless & until you pay the amount to buy some grease for the concerned authority’s hands & head that they can be moved in an affirmative way; it says that your phone line will be disconnected if you failed to produce the required documents -they change intermittently from time to time!- for the millionth time; it says that a loanee can be tricked by every trick in a Bank's Trick book - something like ‘simply’ adding some amounts without any reason & logic to the basic amount, ‘simply’ increasing the interest rates without saying anything to the loanee citing something technical & non understandable, ‘simply’ doubling the interest rate without the knowledge of the loanee citing some intricate Mouth Law points from the Law Book of Law-Mouthers etc- till he is drained of everything in his life, as he had to sign under all the undecipherable Hieroglyphics presented in front of him in volumes, written in microscopic letters, without asking any question, to get a thousand rupee loan at an RBI recognised & registered rate of a MEAGER 15-20%+, depending on the pathetic condition the loanee is in etc!

It says that any employee, even the most uncivilised & lowest graded one among them, can Mouth A Law which should be obeyed to the syllable by every devotee of the prayer houses like temples & churches etc; it says that even a panchayath board, which is very low in every positive source like education level, cultural level, sense level, thought level, vision level, understanding level etc can Law-Mouth anything abysmal in quality and implement it in India -like they can impose a hefty fine on a person or institution because they simply dislike him or it, continuously engage one in never ending legal battles senselessly using the tax payers’ money because he/she failed to fit in their lifeless/qualityless SCHEMES OF THINGS, cancel certain allotments & registration, deny permission on a million things etc; it says that an auto wallah can charge you anything under the Sun Law Mouthing a billion things including calling you names etc! What ‘the Law of the Law Mouther’ basically states is that any Law Mouther can deny anything to anyone without any reason what so ever in Democratic India, using the Law Mouther’s Uncontrollable & Unrestrained Powers Vested In Every Law Mouther in India!


I was seriously in doubt whether the Anna Hazare team & their Lok Pal Bill will take into their fold these millions of Law Mouthers who’s Kingdom (sorry Democracy!) is here & now! What will they do or better put what can they do to these millions of Law Mouthers & how will Anna & his team suppose to control these millions of Local Parliamentarians -in the sense that they create laws & keep creating them as has been going on in the Indian Parliament!- and make them accountable for billions of laws they make & execute, all over India?! Who will control these Law Mouthers like the one who deliberately forgets to give you back the changes he owes you in the form of a bus conductor or the person who repairs the object you have given him into a worse form to Law Mouth something charging you the heavens or the doc who Law Mouths to deny any hand in the death of a patient who was admitted in the hospital & died of sheer medical negligence or a train engine driver or a bus driver or an auto driver who Law Mouths to justify the couple of hours delay he caused to you etc etc?!

While I was talking about these millions of Law Mouthers what they said seemed to be more entertaining & factual! They said it is something like what these people say becomes law of the land and it is only a matter of time the Indian Parliament ratifies whatever they say now & here! They also pointed out that all the parliamentarians in the Indian Parliament are ONLY the representatives of these Law-Mouthers, who elected them through a very democratic process called parliamentary election, every five years! They also had a complaint that their contributions towards the World of Law is never recognised & appreciated, world over! They didn’t forget to add that these millions of Law Mouthers are the pillars of our modern day democracy which is pushed forward (Somehow?!!) by the Law Mouther's Elected Lawmakers in the Indian Parliament & the Other People Who Follow Them On Dotted Lines!